Untitled by Barbara Kruger photo by Rebekah Israel Cross at The Broad.
Graduate school, especially the second time around for me, has been the ultimate test of my confidence in myself. I’m constantly reminded that there are not enough academic jobs for all the students wanting to go into academia, that there are but a few academic-adjacent and non-academic employers willing to pay PhDs a living salary, that faculty members don’t have the time to mentor students as they have in the past, and that I “need to be publishing papers.” All of which is helpful as I plan my postdoctoral career. However, the added stress of school and uncertainty sometimes makes me question whether I came back to school at the right time -- or worse yet, if it was the right decision at all.
I didn’t know that imposter syndrome was a thing until I overheard one of the UCLA Residential Life trainings. Of course, being the person that I am, I immediately Googled the term and was taken aback at how accurately it described me. Imposter syndrome is characterized by the inability to internalize achievements and consistent fear of being exposed as a fraud. The interesting thing about imposter syndrome is that there usually is evidence of competence in the form of educational, personal and professional accomplishments, however, we often attribute those to our ability to fool people into believing that we are smarter/more capable than we believe ourselves to be.
I could spend this entire post talking about the consequences of imposter syndrome, but I won’t. You can find that here and here.
I want to use this space to talk about how I deal with it.
Stop talking to myself in ways that I wouldn’t allow other people to talk to me. Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly unproductive, I’ll say things to myself like, “You spent all day on Twitter and got nothing done,” or “You might as well just go to sleep since you’re not going to do anything else today” or “This paper is trash. Are you really submitting this? lol.” There’s absolutely no way I would let other people say these things to me but I say it to myself. Maybe some part of me thinks it’s going to motivate me, but it actuality I become deflated. Now, whenever I sense a self-pejorative thought creeping in, I consciously try to change my thought pattern. Write 200 words, think about what I’ve accomplished in the past week, etc. Something that builds me up instead.
Do the work. The definitive “symptom” of impostor syndrome is that you are not qualified to do what you’re doing and that someone will find you out. This literally cannot happen if you are doing the work. The more time I spend running an analysis, writing a manuscript, or preparing for a guest lecture, the less time I have for thinking that I’m not qualified to do those things. And naturally, the more you do something, the better you become at it. Related, I changed how I speak about my time. With help from this book, instead of trying to “find” time do the work I need to do, I make time. And by “make” a mean schedule, and by “schedule,” I mean it’s in my calendar. This may not work for everyone, but it has fundamentally changed how I approach writing. The more I write, the less fraudulent I feel.
Screenshot of my calendar complete with my writing schedule and a reminder for the Can't Stop Won't Stop Documentary.
Tame my perfectionism. Imposter syndrome and perfectionism go hand-in-hand and, for me, laziness and perfectionism go hand-in-hand. If I’m creating something that will have my name on it, I want it to be perfect and if it can’t be perfect, I don’t want to do it. And if I do it, and it’s not perfect, it’s worthless. These are all unproductive thoughts that stall my creativity and perpetuate a cycle of feeling unworthy. Last quarter one of my professors blatantly told me "stop overthinking this, Rebekah, just write. Write now, edit later. You will think yourself into nothingness.” She was right. And now that I’ve scheduled time to write 5 days a week, I know exactly when I’ll be able to edit so perfection on the first go-round isn’t necessary.
Ask for help. The first year of my PhD was quite overwhelming because I just came from a practitioner-based job where training and direct services -- not research -- were the priorities. So, admittedly, I was rusty when it came to designing a coherent research plan and using data analysis software. However, instead of simply asking for help, I compared myself to students in my cohort, to students in other cohorts and ultimately increased my anxiety and self-doubt. I could’ve, instead, just asked for help. This summer I’ve been working with a junior faculty member who single-handedly taught me everything I needed to know to complete my summer research project...because I asked. Asking for help when I needed it helped to eliminate the need to compare myself to others and focus on my work.
I can’t remember where I first learned that self-validation was not enough. I don’t recall when being proud of and taking credit for my accomplishments started to feel braggadocious. I also don’t know if doubting oneself even in the midst of achievement is something that ever goes away. However, as I prepare to begin Year 2 of my doctoral program, I’m committed to motivating myself with kind words, making time to do the things that are important to me, setting realistic expectations, and asking for assistance when I need it.
I’ll check in later in the school year!